Five Points Anyone...

This is in continuation with the previous article but with the more positive outlook to it as here I would not be talking about "Lack of" something. One of the most common oft repeated saying is that "Life is a journey of discovery". I agree as we are constantly adapting to the things that are forever changing around us. This journey often leads us to sometimes successful and sometimes unsuccessful activities. The success or the faiure of an activity depends upon one's attitude towards it. The following points helped me a lot in understanding things:

Learn from Failures

Life may be full of failures. But a failure is not the end of the road. It is a delay and not a defeat. If we learn from it instead of being discouraged from it and try until we succeed then it will be termed as experience. But I must admit that life is too short to make all the mistakes and then learn from it. We should be open to learning from the mistakes of other people as well. This is a two edged sword because we need to be sure that we do not "over learn" from other people's mistake and dont take calculated risks or become passive. The best way to handle failure is:

• Admit it quickly
• Not dwell on it
• Learn from it
• Never repeat it
• Not assign blame or make excuses
  

Overcoming Fatalistic Attitude

A fatalistic attitude prevents people from overcoming their current situation and most of the time people believe that what will happen has to happen. Lack of effort and over believing in luck does not help matters any. Most people fail because they gave up when they were very close to success. Then we blame it on luck and our stars of making our lives the way it is.

Understanding Cause and Effect

How many times have we heard the 3rd Law of Newton and repeated it also? But do we incorporate this in our lives? Most of us do not. We just hear the law - "every action has an equal and opposite reaction", marvel at its correctness and move on. Lets stop here for a while and ponder upon this. Every person has some ambition. Ambitions are not fulfilled just by wishing. Ambition gives us the desire to sow and this desire is the begining. One cannot start to reap before sowing and has to allow for the gestation period between sowing and reaping. What we sow, we shall reap those. If we sow positivity then we get positive results and if we sow negativity then we will get negative results. It depends on what you sow.

If you sow abundantly then you will reap abundantly too. You may choose not to sow at all. But if you dont sow then weeds will grow in the open space nonetheless. There is a very common saying in Hindi - "Khali dimag shaitan ka ghar hota hai".

Another common Nature's Law is the Law of Attraction. From experience I can say that if a person is negative in nature then he or she will be attracting only negative people, negative actions and expect the worst. This is what they get too. A positive person has higher rate of success as he or she attracts positive and successful people around them. This is not to say that a positive person does not fail but the manner in which he views failure makes the difference.

Plan, Prepare and Act - Consistency and Discipline

Having ambition and goals lend pupose to life. Fulfilling of ambition requires planning to achieve the ambition. One should have some plan of action for achieving the ambition or the goal. Planning leads to preparing for the activities leading to the goal or ambition. Preparation gives confidence. Winners put pressure on preparation and not worry about winning. If they fail the first time, then they will learn from it, modify their plan of action, and proceed on towards achieving the goal again. Preparation means tolerating failure but not accepting it.

Preparation requires a lot of self sacrifice and discipline. People without discipline try to do everything, but commit themselves to nothing. This is called freedom by many liberal thinkers. Discipline takes a lot of self control, sacrifice and avoiding distractions and temptations. Discipline narrows down the focus and helps us to stay focussed. Discipline will lend consistency and push us towards our ambition a little further everytime.

Shive Khera writes in his book - "When people lack purpose or direction, they see no oppurtunity. If a person has the desire to accomplish something, knows the direction to move to achieve his objective, has the dedication to stay focussed, and has the discpline to put in hard work, then success follows. But if you dont have purpuose or direction, it does not matter what else you have, you won't succeed"

Courage

Dont look for easy tasks or miracles. Oppurtunities comes with bundled with obstacles. Obstacles need to be overcome with courage. After overcoming them, look at what is left rather than what is lost. Wishes dont come true; beliefs and expectations supported by convictions do. Luck and prayers support courageous actions. Courage gives us the strength ot overcome our fears and obstacles.

The points stated here are the extension of the points stated in the previous article. Most of the things that I have penned down today are alreeady known to he ready. But knowing the points does not mean that the principles have been applied in real life. Please extend your comments about the article and feel free to let me know if I missed out on some point.

I would like to again state to the reader that this article is influenced by the Books of Shiv Khera.

I let go of the Nuts...

It has been a long tme since I have penned something the primary reason for this being the Nuts that I was holding and then I came across this little story about "How they catch Monkeys in India". So, I finally decided to open my hand and let go off the Nuts and set myself free.

The Nuts that I was holding were:

1. Lack of Conviction: I was not too convinced that my thoughts were well formulated for public consumption. The style of writing was mediocre at the best. This is what I am going to term Fear - False Evidence Appearing Real. Now, I am convinced that writing is a form of outlet of feelings and thought processes. Every piece that I write does not need to have a meaning hidden and a moral to be drawn at the end of the story.

2. Lack of Persistence: I took the easy way out and almost quit writing. But this is not something that I practise in real life. I am very persistent about my job and relationships. I try to see the brighter side of life 95% of the time.So why I cant apply the same rule when it came to expressing myself. We all have setbacks in our lives and having failed a couple of times does not mean that I am a failure in this thing.

3. Instant Gratification: Perhaps I was looking for every article that I write to be appreciated by all and sundry. Forgetting that not all people have equal tastes. I have stumbled before in doing things but have always picked mysef up and redone it so untill I made a success or some sort of a success out of it. I rationalized that I dont like every book that I read by a particular author. Similarly, it is not necesasry that every article of mine should be appreciated. I am a success if I can convey my fealings and thought processes in a coherent manner.

4. Unwilling to take risks: People sometimes mistake irresponsible and rash behaviour as risk taking. I beg to differ from this viewpoint because more often than not these kinds of irresponsible risk taking brings us negative results and ultimately leads to failure. When I write something then I cant make irresponsible statements becuase what I write may effect the thought processes of another person. Responsible risk-taking is based on knowledge, training, careful study, confidence and competence. Right now I am trying to get there and be a an informed risk taker instead of an irresponsible risk taker. This is a process of a lifetime.

5. Lack of Ambition: Being content does not mean lack of ambition. This fact dawned to me gradually. Generally, I am a very contented person taking life as it comes but am sure of what I want and figure out ways to acheieve them. I can apply this same rule to my writing when I apply this rule to the other things in my life in general. That does not mean that I dont want to improve my style of writing and be content with whatever that I dish out but I am willing to modify my errors in writing along the way.

6. Lack of taking a Stand - Stand for something instead of stand against something: When I express my viewpoints then I am being vocal about the stand that I need to take for or against something. I feel that taking a stand for something is more important because this very fact has again made me pick up my pen again. I required the expression of my thought processes. I like the feeling of hope that this might actually benefit the reader of this article. Making a clear stand is very important and defines us as people. Simply not supporting the wrong is not enough; you need to do something against the wrong and stand for something.

7. Lack of Purpose: Its all in our head: Henry Ford said, "If you think you can or if you think you cant, you are right". I accept this and I think that I can.

8. Lack of Priorities: Definig ones priorities takes discipline and stop looking for substitutions. I have a very strong desire to give back to life the good things that life has given me. And there are many ways that I can do this in. I figured out that writing is also one of the ways in which I can do this and share my views and experiences with others. I realise that I have wated time and for me time wasted is a life wasted. I am learning not to do things that are based on my whims and fancies and I am being largely successful in doing that. Success does not come by reading or memorizing the priciples of sucess but by understanding them and setting up priorities to apply them.

9. No Free Lunches: For everything gained you need to give up something. Nothing comes free. But in order to achieve all that I want to achieve then if I have to give up some of my "bad habits" then I will consider that I have made a good deal.

10. Lack of Analysis: Well...I think I dont need to say much on this. The above points are enough to proove that I have analysed my way out of this and have penned down my first article in a long time. Shiv Khera states that rationalising is for loosers and analysing is for winners. Rationalising means that we are pacifying ourselves why a particular thing did not happen or we dont want it to happen and is a negative stand in my viewpoint. Analysing is more positive as we think about the situation and figure out how to elevate oursleves from the situations.

I hope that these points can be successfuly utilized by the reader of the article. I was guided a lot by the books by Shiv Khera and the above aricle is based on the points that he expresses on "Failure - 20 reasons why we cannot achieve success". Also, my motivating factor has been my sister who has been persistent that I should write and above all myself that I was driven by the will to write.

Dealing with being Single

I am single. This is a sentence that I am privileged to use everytime that someone asks me my marital status. Being an Indian and living in India all my life that statement meets with quite a few raised eyebrows. Some people are shocked, some are jealous, some smirk, some look at me down their noses..... but all have the same set of inquisitive questions which I have learned to deal with effectively without hurting anyone's sentiments un-duly.

I am not against the institution of marriage. I think it still can be one of the best relationships that two people can share and be a part of. But is being single a bad way to live one's life.... NO.

Just as married life has its advantages so does being single. But the advantages are not immediately apparent during the years when both you and your family are adjusting to the fact that you would prefer to remain single. In a country where the concept of remaining single, especially for women, is still largely un-acceptable it has been a long, hard journey.

One of the things that one has to deal with is the loneliness that one is bound to feel sometimes when one is single. The feeling cannot go away completely but can be minimised to a great extent. It depends from individual to individual how they deal with this un-wanted fact of life. Developing new hobbies is one of the ways that one can overcome it. Personally, I have dealt with it by developing my tastes in books, music and photography. Being single gives you the advantage of acheiving things in life that enriches your mind and soul early in life. One just needs to identify the advantages offered and capitalise on it. (That is not to say that married women cannot do the same..... but there are always other things that need to be done.... especially for the children... and their dreams get relegated to the background ... to be fulfilled later.)

Another thing that one has to deal with is the lack of chance of having one's own children. The concept of single motherhood has still not caught up in India. Further more, laws of adoption for single women are very difficult. Not everyone is Sushmita Sen :-) . Well... that is a void that can never be fulfilled un-fortunately. This is something that cannot be overcome in today's Indian society and we have to adjust to this fact of life ..... consider it as a consequence for the decision taken in life. It can only be minimised to a certain degree for those people who are passionate about social work involving children.

One of the tougest things to deal with are the inqusitiveness of the society.... relatives, neighbors, friends, peers. Listening to the some of the hurtful comments can really bring one's morale down sometimes..... and it takes away self esteem and self confidence with itself. This can be overcome completely by following a few simple tricks.... 1) Practice diplomacy while reacting to the sometimes hurtful comments 2) Learn to ignore ... God has given you two ears.... one to take in what is being said and one to take out what is being said.... use it 3) Don't let them bring your self esteem down... that is worst thing that you can allow to happen.

Another mis-conception that society has is that being single means completely devoid of any responsibilities. But is that really true? I do not think so. Is there any gain in fghting the mis-conception or being frustrated about it? NO. This is something that is very difficult to change and is best left alone. Life your life to the best of your ability.... thats it.

Being single in today's world has it's own set of advantages. Gone are the days when women used to think that marriage brings with itself some kind of independence. Single women these days are as independent ... or should i say... more independent than married women. Financial independence being one of the major thrusts that ensures all other kind of independence..... independence of thought, independence of action, indendence to life ones life as one wishes to live it.

Just as married life require adjustments to be made with our ownself and your spouse; being single also require adjustments and compromises to be made. So, put your best foot forward, count your blessings and smile... smile because you are single..... :-)

Learning your lessons in Life…..

After having penned two blogs on lessons life teaches it struck me it is not only imperative to learn a few lessons in life but also learn the right kind of lessons in life. As an intelligent human being I still do not proclaim that I am the best judge of what is good or right lesson in life for not only myself but for others too. This is where I draw a very firm line. I know myself the best. And therefore I am the best judge to interpret the situations in my own life and learn my own lessons from them. I do not claim to know any other person as well as I know myself and therefore cannot claim to be an authoritarian over what is right or wrong for them.

Having said that, I would like to trot out another oft repeated fact of life. Each person is different and unique with his or her own personality. So they would have their own perceptions of the situations in life. With the difference in the perception levels it is but natural that the lessons that life would teach each individual is also very different and unique.

The only fact that remains a constant irrespective of the difference in perception of the situations in life is the fact that the current interpretations shape and nurture the personality and character of an individual and therefore is a parameter to measure the success that one achieves in life. Success again is a very subjective term.

Being just a novice in the vast domain of self improvement my ideas or perceptions about the same are still in its formative stages. According to what I have seen and learnt till date the only thing that I can say is that if the lessons that you learn from life are more negative than positive then something is definitely wrong somewhere. If one progressively become a more negative person instead of a positive one then it is time to change how he/she interprets the situations in life…. wake up…. Give it a good shake…. Analyze, think and re-arrange…. That is what is required in case the experiences in life are teaching you more negative things than positive ones.

One of the first steps towards self improvement is to recognize the areas which are in need of improvement. The next step is to invest time to analyze and change yourself to become a better person. It is one thing to know and quite another to actually go about doing something about it. For some people the negativity and the suppression become a very comfortable zone and they do not want to move out of it. Basically, the idea of change petrifies them. So until and unless the second step (that is of investing time) is met, the first step is inconsequential.

So shake yourself up and learn the right things. There is no right time or age to start learning and improving. I would like to finish off by saying that life is too short to learn only from one’s own mistakes. Some smart people also have the ability to learn from the mistakes of others.

Happy Learning……

Self Esteem .... Your Self View

To me self esteem denotes the view that you have about your own self. Just as your tone conveys a lot of thing sto other people, your own self esteem also conveys a lot of things to other people. And you get the appropriate reactions from other people on your own self esteem.... they respond to you in a manner that you tell them.... or should I say convey to them.... to respond to you. Your self esteem also finds expression in your body language... which is as strong as the verbal one.

A lot can be written and said about Self Esteem and its sister Self Confidence. But the following extracts from articles by Carla Valencia explains it all:

Self Esteem

It is the Knowing that you are worth already. According to Merriam Webster dictionary, means:

1) A confidence and satisfaction in oneself
2) A reasonable or justifiable sense of one's worth or importance .
3) An often unjustified feeling of being pleased with oneself or with one's situation or achievements
4) A great faith in oneself or one's abilities

The 3 last sentences are linked to pride , complacence and confidence. Let's take a look at this words:
Pride: a feeling of self-respect and personal worth
Complacence: calm or secure satisfaction with oneself.
Confidence: Great faith in oneself or one's abilities. The state or quality of being certain: Confidence in your ability to succeed.

Self esteem is the idea that you have about yourself. It is how much you value yourself and how important you think you are. It is how you see yourself .

Characteristics of a healthy self esteem:

1) Self-confidence
2) Able to have intimacy in relationships.
3) Able to show true feelings.
4) Ability to recognize your own accomplishments.
5) Ability to forgive yourself and others.
6) Welcome change.

Characteristics of low self esteem:

1) Insecurity, lack of Self-confidence.
2) Problems in establishing intimacy in relationships.
3) Hide true feelings.
4) Inability to reward yourself for accomplishments.
5) Inability to forgive yourself and others.
6) Fear of change.

Self Confidence

According to the dictionary self-confidence means:

Confidence in oneself or one's own abilities:

How do we build self-confidence? There are some tips that will help you to build self-confidence:

1. Be your best friend . Use your self-talk to empower you not to put yourself down. Do not expect perfection from yourself all the time. Remember that you are always doing the best you can with the resources you have.

2. Accentuate the positive. Keep always in mind your positive qualities. Refresh every morning your best qualities, things you have done right. Accentuate in the positive not the negative. There is always something positive that happen to you during the day. Celebrate the event.

3. Take some risks. Try to take some risk, do not worry about the outcome, just do it. If you do not try you will not feel good about yourself. Take a risk and see what happens. If it turns out good, wonderful! you will feel great about yourself. If it did not turn out good, is ok. Remember? You are not perfect. Your are learning and growing and even though you think you failed, you will feel good about yourself because you took the risk.

4. Relay on your self-evaluation Forget about the opinion of others. Do not wonder all day about what they think. If you do this you are giving away your power to other people. Focus inside of you, feel in your heart. Develop a good relationship with yourself and trust your instincts.

Remember that no one can be confident all the time.

People with low self-esteem worry too much about what other people think about them. They get stuck in the thought that other people are better than them. They do not allow themselves to be. They have unrealistic expectations and they have a lot of fear of rejection.

So work towards building a healthy self esteem and self confidence. That is the best gift that you can give yourself.

Say NO.... Gently but Frimly

One of the words which gets wiped out from our vocabulary is the two lettered one which would make our lives a lot easier. And the two-letter word happens to be 'NO'. The word denotes a negative response and it is not good to be associated with anything negative.... right?..... No, wrong..... absolutley wrong. This negative response sometimes can denote the kind of values that you suppport and your stand on a particular situation.

In today's competitive world where everyone wants 'success' .... 'success' as in a bigger house, a bigger car, a bigger bank balance ..... most choose the easy way out by being a 'Yes Man' to the big heads of the organisation. That is the only way that they know how to beat the competition and get ahead in life. They have somewhere lost their faith on good old hard work and dedication. Nothing is a problem and everything is acheivable for these yes men. But their in-ability to say a 'No' at the right places and to the right people has got too much of costs associated with it. Costs which are not immediately apparent but life does not spare the costs that that he has to bear. Unfortunately, some of the cost is also borne by others who are associated with him. Do you think that it is fair?

Every individual has a set of values and rules that he has inculcated from his family and his peers. A persons's character is built by these. It is good to stand up for your values and traditions even if it means dis-pleasing a powerful few or a few near and dear ones. At least you would not have compromised on your own self in order to reach where-ever it is that you want to reach. Say a No when you think that it is compromising on your ownself and your self worth. Is anything more worthy than your own self-worth? If the answer to the question is 'No' then you just need to be a little more confident and assertive in saying a No and making your opinion known to the other person. If the answer to the question is 'Yes'.... then my friend you need to start from building a healthy self worth through self analysis before proceeding further.

There are many ways of saying a 'No'... depends from one person to another and situation to situation.

There are people who like to hear a straightforward 'No' and communicate a starightforward 'No' too.... but such people are very few and rare. Some can say it but cannot take it..... human nature after all. But my take is that if you can dish it out you should also know how to take it.

Then there are another set of people who have BIG egos and cannot take a no. One of the best ways to saying a 'No' to them is by using positive sentences only. Do not say a 'No' directly to them. I other words I am saying is that make good use of all the wide variety of excuses that one tells their elders to get out of a sticky situation without saying a 'No' ;-). Better still if you have an alternative plan of action then it might be a good place to put it forward and gain some appreciation for yourself... hopefully.

Remember, the tone that one uses, the language used, the context that it is used in and the person at the receiving end of the decision actually determine the effect that your 'No' has. But would you rather say a 'No' or would you rather live a life where your opinion is of the least significance and cannot stand up for yourslef.... think about it.......

Lessons Life Teaches - II

All of us have been customers for a variety of organisations for a variety of household and electronic goods. Randomly, if a poll is taken then most of the people will express their dis-satisfaction on the quality of services being met out to them. The reasons can be genuine or otherwise.

I would like to share a couple of incidents that taught be some valuable lessons in customer satisfaction and customer loyalty. Again some examples of lessons that life teaches for one to perform better in our own professional life.

In the recent past, I received a call from a major insurance company. The insurance company had outsourced their tele-calling services to tap potential customers. I received the call from one such tele-caller. After the general round of introductions, I was detailed about a new policy that the company had launched. Then the usual round of questions started... What is my age? Hearing my age, he started addressing me as Mrs. Deepa. I ignored it and continued answering the questions....... Am I working? Where am I working? What is my monthly income? Am I married? ..... Now the last question was a little meaningless since he had already decided that I was married and was addressing me as Mrs. But my answer surprised him. I told him I was un-married. His shock at the fact was evident from his tone and the fact that he double-checked my age too. To make things even worse, he asked me who the decision maker in my family was? I was surprised at the question but I avoided it. But his insistence proved inflamatory to me as a potential customer. Looking at the fact that I was avoiding him, he made the last mistake.... he kept down the phone on me. And they lost a couple of potential customers forever........ and i hope they would loose a couple of more customers..... those who are reading this blog or those to whom I have narrated the story.

In a few words..... the quality of the phone call was dismal and un-professional to the extreme.

Lessons learnt:

1) Choose people who interact with customers carefully.
2) Train customer facing people with the utmost care.
3) Cultural sensitization has its own advantages. It should be practiced.
4) Be polite... be polite.... be polite.
5) Know how to end a conversation.
6) Do not, in any way, insult the customer.

Having been a part of the service industry for a very long time now I have had the opportunity to attend some soft skill workshops to handle our customers .... like Dealing with Difficult People. In this case, I was the one practicing my skills of 'Dealing with Difficult People' instead of the other way round..... ;-P.

Another incident that taught me a few valuable lessons happened with my sister. For making a trip to Delhi from Bangalore, she had made use of the e-booking facilities of a well known and well advertised travel house to book return flight tickets to Bangalore. Since she got the similar job opportunity in Delhi itself, she called up the travel house to cancel her return tickets to Bangalore. She was not given a transaction-id number since the computer systems there were not working properly. The next day she called up the travel house again and confirmed whether her tickets had been cancelled. This time round she was given a transaction id and assured that her tickets had been cancelled. Next month, she was surprised to find out that she had been billed the entire ticket amount since she had not cancelled the ticket. She kept on following up with the travel house for a month. Every time she spoke to a new executive and had to repeat her concern again and again and again. But without any solution. Inspite of repeated requests, she was not put through to the manager. Her mails to the manager too went un-answered. Finally, she landed up paying for the tickets that she had taken care to cancel and be penalised for not having any more reasons to go back to Bangalore.

In a few words..... the quality of the service was dismal and un-professional to the extreme.

Lessons Learnt:

1) Maintain records of customer interaction
2) Ensure that you give an empathetic reply to a concerned customer
3) Ensure that the customer is not the one to pay for the mistakes that the customer had not made.... financially or otherwise
4) Be open and tell the truth to the customer. That would save the customer a lot of hassles.
5) Follow-up with the customer in case the query remains un-resolved instead of the other way round
6) Stick to the deadlines / committments that you have made to the customer.

In short.... Life is a good teacher. You should know how to learn from it.

Some Inspirational Quotes - Lead Out Loud

Found this to be a good collection of inspirational quotes. And thought about sharing it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEqdr_Awdak

Hope some quotes hold some meaning for you.

Jealousy - Is it completely a negative emotion?

Inspite of being aware of the fact that the topic that has been chosen is a very controversial one and that most of my other learned friends would say that jealousy is a very negative emotion, I would like to present a very different viewpoint on one of the most talked about and felt emotion among humans – jealousy.

It is an un-refuted fact that jealousy is a very negative emotion. It can twist someone’s psyche to a great degree and persons affected by severe bouts of jealousy are known to inflict harm on fellow human beings. Some very bizarre incidents have known and reported which have been caused by jealousy and history vouches for the fact that it also been instrumental in providing enough motivation to commit crimes. And it will continue to provide it. But these represent the extreme end of the emotion. This extremity has been hyped so much due to its highly visible effects. But everyone will agree that anything in extremes is bad.

In moderation jealousy can be a interpreted very positively and can give rise to ‘healthy competition’ between peers. Instead of it providing the motivation to commit wrong against fellow human beings, it can be very easily be used providing the motivation to do things which have a positive impact on one’s life. Simply put, what I am saying is that instead of using your energies to bring the person you are jealous of down and malign his name; use the energy for setting milestones for your own self and improving yourself to such a degree that you attain the characteristics of the other person – partially or fully. Instead of looking negative points of the person whom you are jealous of and criticizing him, turn him into a role model…. better still make him a mentor. And work towards attaining the characteristics yourself. Instead of competing with him, compete with yourself to strive to imbibe the characteristics of the person whom you are jealous of. So, for a change, imbibe the positive characteristics from your peers instead of the negative ones.

It is not an easy task to do so. But is it impossible – Definitely Not. One of the things that will assist you in doing so is to recognize the fact that there are certain things that are completely outside our circle of influence and hence can change only with time. So working within this limitation, attempt to explore yourself fully; know what is feasible and what is not; accept and come to terms with the facts of life. Be at peace with yourself to work towards and achieve the changes that are desired. It will be more fulfilling and rewarding. And it will promote contentment within yourself too.

And most imperatively, recognize the fact that you are different from everyone else and have varying degrees of strengths and weaknesses and are faced with different circumstances in life…. so what you achieve in life has to be the best given the circumstances that you face. Extreme jealousy will not and does not change the facts of life……..

Listening is a fine art... Cultivate It

Another ingredient which is mandatory for the recipe of being a success in life is Listening. I have not been a good listener for a very long time and have made quite a few blunders in my professional and personal life because of this disgusting habit. Appreciation of this art had been compelling me to write about the skill for a long time but for once I did not know how to put my thoughts across in a clear and concise manner. As luck would have it I hit upon an article written by Craig Harrison which outlines the importance of cultivating the art. Here it is....

“So much attention is focused on what to say and how to say it. In speeches, debates and conversation, we are obsessed with our message and how to express ourselves.

Sometimes, this focus obscures our listening. This month we focus on listening skills as key to our success as communicators, leaders, servers and as human beings. Any discussion on the importance of listening -- vis-à-vis speaking -- should acknowledge the fact that we were born with two ears and just one mouth. The implication: we should listen twice as much as we speak!

Believe it or not, Listening is a learned skill. While we are blessed with ears to hear with, listening is more than just hearing. Listening involves an active engagement. By definition Listening means: "applying oneself to hearing something"

DID YOU KNOW...? Here are some facts about listening, courtesy of colleague Louisa Rogers, Louisa Rogers Communications, in Eureka, CA mailto:louisarogers7@yahoo.com:

1. All communication is received ... but 70-90% of the data is screened out or altered by the receiver. So what you say is NOT necessarily what the listener gets.

2. Listening is (incorrectly) not perceived as powerful by most people.

3. We have a strong cultural tendency to tune out. Our minds go forward (What do I say next? How do I defend myself? What shall I have for lunch?), or in reverse (Did I turn the car lights off? Did I get an e-mail back from...?).

4. Rates of speaking / listening: We listen at 1,000-1,200 words a minute. We speak at 300 words a minute. Thus, our minds wander.

Based on Louisa's findings I believe the following:

where there's a will, there are ways to become a better listener. DON'T JUST DO SOMETHING...LISTEN! Alas, we can become better listeners once we set our mind and ears to it.

1. Vow to become a better listener.

2. Monitor your own listening: where do you follow the speaker and where do you tune out? Analyze for yourself why it is you tune out where you do.

3. Suspend judgment when you listen, focusing instead on comprehension. Many times we immerse ourselves in our own analysis of what is heard: do I agree or disagree? Focus instead on comprehension.

4. Listen for the meta-message: the message within the message. Sometimes what people AREN'T saying is also insightful. Listen between the lines.

5. Become an Active Listener: listen with your ears, mind, head and heart. Concentrate on listening as if you will be tested on what this person has said and need to share it with a class of strangers. Can you do it?

6. Active listening involves not only following along with the speaker, but letting him or her know you are tracking their message. Use nods, gestures and utterances to convey comprehension or confusion, so they receive feedback you are with them, or not. A furrowed brow, a tilt of the head or squinting signals to them you are confused. A nod, a smile or other gestures indicates understanding.

7. Remember that confirming understanding doesn't imply concordance. Confirming your comprehension of one's communication doesn't automatically mean you agree with everything.

8. Short phrases are useful to your listener. Saying "I see" "yep" "uh-huh!" "hmmm" conveys understanding. Phrases like "huh?" "I'm not sure I understand" "what do you mean?" "please elucidate" let the listener know you are hazy about their meaning.

9. A great way to confirm for your listener and yourself that you understand is to periodically paraphrase or replay what you believe you heard. It's a reality check that allows you both to continue with confidence.

Whether you are brokering peace in the Middle East or a squabble with a family member at the dinner table, I find wisdom in Steven Covey's proscription to "seek first to understand, then to be understood."

So hang out your "Hear Here" sign, follow this sound advice and listen for success!”

Lessons Life Teaches - I

Any executive working in any type of service industry learns that there are certain business etiquettes to follow to keep the customers satisfied which ensures a long, happy and prosperous career. Years of study and hard work does not ensure that we start off our professional lives with ease. Neither does it ensure that working according to our learned behavior would ensure continued professional life.

Being in the service industry requires the individual to have a very high ‘learn ability’ factor to start and survive in the industry. Obviously some of the behavior is gained through osmosis peers and leaders in the trade. But we consider ourselves lucky to be able to attend knowledge transfer workshops conducted by the best in the business. Business houses spend quite a bit of money to make all of us ‘customer savvy’. There have been proper disciplines established in the course of many years and there are specialized institutes that teach us these skills – skills that we have to willingly or un-willingly learn in order to survive in the industry.

After attending one such session I was enthusiastically telling my father as to what I have learned. In summary, I told him the following things are necessary to achieve a high degree of customer satisfaction:

1) ‘LISTEN’ to what the customer has to say. He might tell you what all he has already tried out and failed. This would reduce the time that you take to resolve the issue.
2) Be ‘EMPATHETIC’ instead of ‘SYMPATHETIC’
3) Follow up to ensure that the issue has been resolved in its totality. This guarantees customer satisfaction.
4) Put forward suggestions to the customer, where ever applicable, to prevent future occurrences of the issue.

Both of us had a long and fruitful discussion on the topic which left me completely satisfied and contented in the fact that I have learnt something useful that day. While we were having our discussion, we were being interrupted by our regular mason who had just finished renovating our home. He had come again to address a complaint lodged by my father for the newly installed taps. He ‘listened’ to what my father had to say and gathered more information by asking a couple of pointed questions to my father. He was able to give us a solution almost immediately but wanted the taps to be turned off for the day. He showed enough ‘empathetic behavior’ for us to actually agree to the inconvenience of dry taps for the entire day. He called the plumber himself, instructed him and left. He returned in the evening again to ‘follow up’ whether the problem had been resolved now. He also made ‘additional suggestions’ in order to avoid such an issue again.

The following day, as I sat in a reflective mood, I realized that the mason had demonstrated all of the qualities of an effective executive in the service industry – listen, empathize, follow-up, suggest. I had a practical demonstration of the theory learned in an expensive class from a guy who was educated enough only to sign his name, had never been to college, did not hold a white collar job nor did he attend any high end knowledge transfer workshop. Yet he had the wisdom – wisdom that he would pass to his children without spending a penny.

Additionally, I realized that although I have more degrees beside my name than him, yet I can learn a lot from him about surviving in the cut throat service industry. It is a very humbling realization and I am proud to admit that life teaches its lessons via un-expected sources and it is all the more important to remain simple and humble for continued success.

Overcoming Negative Attitude

In the various posts in this blog it has been repeatedly pointed out that attitude towards life makes all the difference between being successful and un-successful. So I thought it good to pen down some of my thoughts on attitude starting with how you recognize whether the attitude that you show is a positive one or a negative one.

Knowing and accepting that you have a negative attitude is a tough task. All of us are very conditioned to the kind of attitude that we display towards various situations in life. We take it for granted that it is ‘the’ positive thing to do. Our attitude is a skin that we wear which has been stitched by our peers, family, culture and tradition. So identifying that we have things that we can change within our own self to lead a better life is not easy. The only way one can do it is when one is exposed to a different attitude altogether. All you need to do is appreciate a good attitude when you see it, recognize the fact that you need to change your own attitude, and be open to change it.

There are many things that characterize a negative behavior like inability to take responsibility of one’s own action; blaming others when things go wrong; procrastination; inability to deal with stress; inability to deal with situations conclusively; having a complaining nature; negative thinking; self pity; depression etc. One of the best gifts that you can give your own-self is to recognize the truth about the kind of attitude that you have and be willing to change it.

People with positive attitude are happier, more contented, have a solution to any challenge that they face, generally lead a more fulfilling professional and personal life, are great doers and thinkers; have the ability to take a lot of responsibility for situations in life and lead them to a fruitful conclusion. Merely by the attitude that they adopt they cut out the stress not only for themselves but also for others who are associated with them.

One of the easiest things that you can follow is to stop negative self talk. Negative self talk becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and the world acts according to the negative image that you project to the world.

Another one is to recognize and avoid negative situations and persons. It might prove to be a challenge to turn a negative situation into a positive one to suit your own changing outlook towards life. But it might not be easy to change individuals whom you pinpoint as negative people….remember you have had first hand experience in identifying negative characteristics in you own self. Extend the same analysis to others to enable you to take corrective action and avoid stressful situation.

Avoiding stressful situation comes as a bonus when you avoid negative people. Eliminating or minimizing stress from a situation automatically enables you to deal with the situation in a better manner and arrive at a conclusive result.

Once you have taken the responsibility to change you own attitude, taking responsibility of other situations on your life and your behavior towards them is a natural progression. It only takes a little time and effort from your side.

The above things that I have discussed have been tried out first hand on my own self and have achieved very good results. I would be happy if my experiences in life contribute a little towards making your life a little happier or contented.

Best of Luck!!!!!

Simplicity and Humility - Best friends of Success

Through personal experiences I have found that Success is more meaningful if it goes hand in hand with simplicity and humility. Being successful leads to confidence in self but if it is without the humility factor then it is arrogance. Humility does not mean demeaning oneself through actions or words but it is a quiet acceptance of the success achieved.It is also arguably true that it is important to blow your own trumpet to highlight your achevemnets to make others sit up and notice. This is unfortunately a repeated activity as it has a short lifespan. Letting others blow your trumpet makes sure that the sound is carried far and for long.
Humility is often clubbed up with simplicity. Simplicity is a very sujective term. How much simple makes up for the simplicity factor? The President of a country can lead a simple life, so can a commoner but the quantum of simplicity is varied. Let me restrict myself to define simplicity in terms of action and behaviour. In short, simplicity does not mean that one is a simpleton, although the person is very popularly called just that.
Most people have a tendency to ride very very high on the small success that they achieve. I knew a Manager once who was on his first job. He was out canvasing for some courses offered by an Educational Institute with 2 more co-workers, junior in positon than him. They were supposed to stick posters on the walls and hand pamphlets to the passers by. He stood at a little distance and did not participate in the activity at all. The reason was that he was an MBA and it was below his dignity to do something like that. This behaviour earned him a lot of disrespect from his co-workers and a lot of ribbing. Active participation would have had the opposite effect. It made me wonder what they person was thinking about;an educational degree does not gaurantee any respect or responsibility delegation. In fact education contributes to only 15% of the entire success story of life. The rest 85% is just attitude.
In contrast to this, I had an oppurtunity to work under another manager with 10 years of experience who would help carry equipment from one place to another alongside the peons and guards without a thought and go down on his hands and feet to make sure that all the connections are properly made. This characteristic made him one of the most economical person around. Whenever we need to go somewhere, then he would simply load all the equipment in his vechicle and the two of us would set off, sure that we could be able to carry the entire load ourselves if we did not get any help. This fact also made us more reliable and more work got delegated to us by the OEMs. When the people at the OEM level were still grappling with the beginings of Plan B of a project in case of failure of Plan A, we were delegated the entire work by their Regional Head and we successfully executed Plan B in 15 hours.This reflects simplicity of our actions as we were doing the 'menial jobs of peons, porters and guards'. This simplicity reflects our humility because we did not put our professional positions before us and worked just to get the things done without much hassle. Is it really downgrading of self or is it making the people standing around realize the dignity of labour? We have often found people stepping up to us to help us after we have initiated the process.
Being humble is one of the cornerstones of achieving and maintaining your success. Most people make the mistake of thinking that it is easy to push around people who are simple and humble. They dont stop taking advantage of the fact, forgetting one thing that the doer learns the fastest and the best. It expands the bag of experiences further. And ultimately this would help us to push ahead of the crowd.
This journey of life has made me respect these two qualities so much that I never think of even swapping them with any other quality. I wont say that success is complete because achieving one success makes you hungry for yet another success. The process is an ongoing one. There is no greater attraction than a successful person. Humility keeps you popular and Arrogance ultimately alienates you. Is it easy being successful and arrogant - probably yes. Is it easy being successful and humble - definately yes; you just got to try. As I always maintain, your attitude make all the difference.

The Difference is the Language

I was reading a random article on the internet on positive thinking/ positive attitude. One of the points that really struck me was that the author had stated in plain emphatic words one of the facts that I have ingrained as a part on my personality through the years.

One of the points mentioned by the author was that language determines your destiny. I would like to quote the author here since it has held so true in my journey:

“Your Language Determines Your Destiny. Make sure that your thoughts and words are positive. The language you use, whether spoken or not must be positive. People don't know what you're thinking but this doesn't give you permission to be inconsistent. Line up your thoughts and words with the kind of person you want to be. The language you use can either build you up or psych you out. Any negative statement can be reframed in a more positive manner. Watch out for statements that predict negative outcomes.”

It is like saying whether the glass is half empty or whether it is half full. In this context the word empty denotes negativity whereas the word full denotes positivism. Just to illustrate it a little further – instead of saying “The way you have done it is wrong. The desired objective has not been achieved.” try saying “The way you have done it has achieved some results but if we could possibly do it this way then the results would be achieved completely and speedily because of the following reasons…….” . The latter statement does not question the competence of the other person but conveys very firmly that you are not happy about the way the work has been handled and you also guide him to the correct manner by using influence instead of authority. In short, you show him the respect and he will return it…. simple.

I have tried using the latter approach in all my communications ever since and have judged for myself the change in the attitude that people have towards me. And I can gleefully state that IT WORKS. For centuries it has been said that the word is mightier than the sword. It certainly holds very true to become an emotionally intelligent positive individual. The spoken word is more powerful than the written word is as the spoken word is underlined/ enhanced by the use of body language and tone of voice. Learning a language is a power that you can equip yourself with but knowing how to use it is the key which differentiates you as a positive or a negative person.

Schooling yourself to use words in a definite form reflects your personality and allows you to achieve goals and ultimately contentment. One of the tips that can be used to school oneself into framing a positive line of thoughtful words is as follows (quoting the author again here):

“Look For The Good In Everyone You Meet And In Every Situation You Find Yourself In. I know it is harder to see in some people and in some situations but everyone has their good points and so will every situation.”

This helps. Try it out and see. It will also increase the sense of contentment and achievement that one feels.

So while building a positive attitude… mind your language.

A Relationship called Friendship.

FRIEND for me is an acronym which means:

F – Fruits. Gifts from the Lord for the good done in this janam somewhere and somehow.
R – Rainbow. Colors of good and bad times spend together holding each other tight.
I – Ignition. Simple gestures from them can kickstart your day.
E – Endless. A journey that transcends life itself.
N – Nurture. Nature demands nurturing of friends.
D – Defense. They are our in-built defense mechanism.

We tend to use the term friend very loosely as it is the demand of our times. We land up calling too many people our friend. But if you care to notice then you would have divided your friends. There is a section of people whom you would always party with, share your good times with. They are our “good time friends”. Then there are people to whom we would go to whenever we are in a jam, for advice, for help, for simple plain scolding and often large doses of love and appreciation. These are the people whom I would actually term as a friend and these people are a very tight nucleus around you.

Is friendship then a relationship? I would say yes. It is a relationship by choice and thus is cherished more by the participating people. It is a mutual exploration of the important aspects of life. The relationship starts with a tentative exploration of likes and dislikes. No, let me revise that. The starting point is an attraction and a feeling – let me reach out and get to know a person. In short, the positive vibes between two people draw them to make the first tentative exploration which can convert itself into a life long journey.

Like any other relationship, we nurture it with love, care and pride. Some people are house proud, some are job proud and some are simply proud. I am friend proud. My friends are my “guroor”. The bond is as strong as my “guroor”.

Like any other relationship, it needs space. Every person needs space, freedom of expression and choice. You can’t be somebody’s friend by piling on and expressing your feelings.

Like any other relationship, it demands understanding. First understand the person before you expect the person to understand you.

Like any other relationship, it grows and matures. The boundaries of a friendship is constantly getting re-defined and re-fined to match your partner’s changes. Sometimes I like to compare this phenomenon with an amoeba or water. They are also constantly modifying their shape without loosing their own identity.

Like a relationship, it is governed by rules of faithfulness, integrity and inner strength. They are our in-built defense mechanism from the vagaries of this world but care should be taken as to not to take them for granted. Friendship is a blessing that does not come with “this process cannot be reversed” tag.

Like a relationship, it definitely includes large doses of love. Friendship is perhaps one of the purest expressions of love for another person. It is to a large extent based on 90% giving and 10% expectations. It is important that you know how to receive as well as give. Just giving is not good and demeans the other person in some way.

Like any other relationship, it demands quality time and attention. The quality is at its best if you can take up with a friend even after years of separation.

It is very difficult to take this thought down in one gulp that friendship is actually a relationship. Most of us have a very narrow view of relationship – it can exist only between a man and a woman. This is also supplemented by the thought - “Ladka-Ladki kabhi dost nahi ban sakte (Girls and boys can never be just friends)”. Like all concepts, these concepts are also beginning to change and for the good. There is a definite shift in the mentality of today’s generation and its high time that society at large accepts this. The transition process would be slow but the onus is upon us to accept the friendship relationship first. In these times of nuclear families friends attain the distinction of a close relative and we need to recognize the fact… and say Cheers!!!

A Long Long Time...

Hi Friends,

It has been a long time since I have written anything for my blogspot. Being busy is no excuse. And I am not going to make any attempt to justify my lack of attention. I can onlypromise that I would write at least one article per week to express my thoughts. You also can agree or disagree with my viewpoint by leaving comments for the article.

So after a long hiatus, I am making a small attempt to understand what a freind stands for. So, the next article is for all of you out there.