Dealing with being Single

I am single. This is a sentence that I am privileged to use everytime that someone asks me my marital status. Being an Indian and living in India all my life that statement meets with quite a few raised eyebrows. Some people are shocked, some are jealous, some smirk, some look at me down their noses..... but all have the same set of inquisitive questions which I have learned to deal with effectively without hurting anyone's sentiments un-duly.

I am not against the institution of marriage. I think it still can be one of the best relationships that two people can share and be a part of. But is being single a bad way to live one's life.... NO.

Just as married life has its advantages so does being single. But the advantages are not immediately apparent during the years when both you and your family are adjusting to the fact that you would prefer to remain single. In a country where the concept of remaining single, especially for women, is still largely un-acceptable it has been a long, hard journey.

One of the things that one has to deal with is the loneliness that one is bound to feel sometimes when one is single. The feeling cannot go away completely but can be minimised to a great extent. It depends from individual to individual how they deal with this un-wanted fact of life. Developing new hobbies is one of the ways that one can overcome it. Personally, I have dealt with it by developing my tastes in books, music and photography. Being single gives you the advantage of acheiving things in life that enriches your mind and soul early in life. One just needs to identify the advantages offered and capitalise on it. (That is not to say that married women cannot do the same..... but there are always other things that need to be done.... especially for the children... and their dreams get relegated to the background ... to be fulfilled later.)

Another thing that one has to deal with is the lack of chance of having one's own children. The concept of single motherhood has still not caught up in India. Further more, laws of adoption for single women are very difficult. Not everyone is Sushmita Sen :-) . Well... that is a void that can never be fulfilled un-fortunately. This is something that cannot be overcome in today's Indian society and we have to adjust to this fact of life ..... consider it as a consequence for the decision taken in life. It can only be minimised to a certain degree for those people who are passionate about social work involving children.

One of the tougest things to deal with are the inqusitiveness of the society.... relatives, neighbors, friends, peers. Listening to the some of the hurtful comments can really bring one's morale down sometimes..... and it takes away self esteem and self confidence with itself. This can be overcome completely by following a few simple tricks.... 1) Practice diplomacy while reacting to the sometimes hurtful comments 2) Learn to ignore ... God has given you two ears.... one to take in what is being said and one to take out what is being said.... use it 3) Don't let them bring your self esteem down... that is worst thing that you can allow to happen.

Another mis-conception that society has is that being single means completely devoid of any responsibilities. But is that really true? I do not think so. Is there any gain in fghting the mis-conception or being frustrated about it? NO. This is something that is very difficult to change and is best left alone. Life your life to the best of your ability.... thats it.

Being single in today's world has it's own set of advantages. Gone are the days when women used to think that marriage brings with itself some kind of independence. Single women these days are as independent ... or should i say... more independent than married women. Financial independence being one of the major thrusts that ensures all other kind of independence..... independence of thought, independence of action, indendence to life ones life as one wishes to live it.

Just as married life require adjustments to be made with our ownself and your spouse; being single also require adjustments and compromises to be made. So, put your best foot forward, count your blessings and smile... smile because you are single..... :-)

Learning your lessons in Life…..

After having penned two blogs on lessons life teaches it struck me it is not only imperative to learn a few lessons in life but also learn the right kind of lessons in life. As an intelligent human being I still do not proclaim that I am the best judge of what is good or right lesson in life for not only myself but for others too. This is where I draw a very firm line. I know myself the best. And therefore I am the best judge to interpret the situations in my own life and learn my own lessons from them. I do not claim to know any other person as well as I know myself and therefore cannot claim to be an authoritarian over what is right or wrong for them.

Having said that, I would like to trot out another oft repeated fact of life. Each person is different and unique with his or her own personality. So they would have their own perceptions of the situations in life. With the difference in the perception levels it is but natural that the lessons that life would teach each individual is also very different and unique.

The only fact that remains a constant irrespective of the difference in perception of the situations in life is the fact that the current interpretations shape and nurture the personality and character of an individual and therefore is a parameter to measure the success that one achieves in life. Success again is a very subjective term.

Being just a novice in the vast domain of self improvement my ideas or perceptions about the same are still in its formative stages. According to what I have seen and learnt till date the only thing that I can say is that if the lessons that you learn from life are more negative than positive then something is definitely wrong somewhere. If one progressively become a more negative person instead of a positive one then it is time to change how he/she interprets the situations in life…. wake up…. Give it a good shake…. Analyze, think and re-arrange…. That is what is required in case the experiences in life are teaching you more negative things than positive ones.

One of the first steps towards self improvement is to recognize the areas which are in need of improvement. The next step is to invest time to analyze and change yourself to become a better person. It is one thing to know and quite another to actually go about doing something about it. For some people the negativity and the suppression become a very comfortable zone and they do not want to move out of it. Basically, the idea of change petrifies them. So until and unless the second step (that is of investing time) is met, the first step is inconsequential.

So shake yourself up and learn the right things. There is no right time or age to start learning and improving. I would like to finish off by saying that life is too short to learn only from one’s own mistakes. Some smart people also have the ability to learn from the mistakes of others.

Happy Learning……

Self Esteem .... Your Self View

To me self esteem denotes the view that you have about your own self. Just as your tone conveys a lot of thing sto other people, your own self esteem also conveys a lot of things to other people. And you get the appropriate reactions from other people on your own self esteem.... they respond to you in a manner that you tell them.... or should I say convey to them.... to respond to you. Your self esteem also finds expression in your body language... which is as strong as the verbal one.

A lot can be written and said about Self Esteem and its sister Self Confidence. But the following extracts from articles by Carla Valencia explains it all:

Self Esteem

It is the Knowing that you are worth already. According to Merriam Webster dictionary, means:

1) A confidence and satisfaction in oneself
2) A reasonable or justifiable sense of one's worth or importance .
3) An often unjustified feeling of being pleased with oneself or with one's situation or achievements
4) A great faith in oneself or one's abilities

The 3 last sentences are linked to pride , complacence and confidence. Let's take a look at this words:
Pride: a feeling of self-respect and personal worth
Complacence: calm or secure satisfaction with oneself.
Confidence: Great faith in oneself or one's abilities. The state or quality of being certain: Confidence in your ability to succeed.

Self esteem is the idea that you have about yourself. It is how much you value yourself and how important you think you are. It is how you see yourself .

Characteristics of a healthy self esteem:

1) Self-confidence
2) Able to have intimacy in relationships.
3) Able to show true feelings.
4) Ability to recognize your own accomplishments.
5) Ability to forgive yourself and others.
6) Welcome change.

Characteristics of low self esteem:

1) Insecurity, lack of Self-confidence.
2) Problems in establishing intimacy in relationships.
3) Hide true feelings.
4) Inability to reward yourself for accomplishments.
5) Inability to forgive yourself and others.
6) Fear of change.

Self Confidence

According to the dictionary self-confidence means:

Confidence in oneself or one's own abilities:

How do we build self-confidence? There are some tips that will help you to build self-confidence:

1. Be your best friend . Use your self-talk to empower you not to put yourself down. Do not expect perfection from yourself all the time. Remember that you are always doing the best you can with the resources you have.

2. Accentuate the positive. Keep always in mind your positive qualities. Refresh every morning your best qualities, things you have done right. Accentuate in the positive not the negative. There is always something positive that happen to you during the day. Celebrate the event.

3. Take some risks. Try to take some risk, do not worry about the outcome, just do it. If you do not try you will not feel good about yourself. Take a risk and see what happens. If it turns out good, wonderful! you will feel great about yourself. If it did not turn out good, is ok. Remember? You are not perfect. Your are learning and growing and even though you think you failed, you will feel good about yourself because you took the risk.

4. Relay on your self-evaluation Forget about the opinion of others. Do not wonder all day about what they think. If you do this you are giving away your power to other people. Focus inside of you, feel in your heart. Develop a good relationship with yourself and trust your instincts.

Remember that no one can be confident all the time.

People with low self-esteem worry too much about what other people think about them. They get stuck in the thought that other people are better than them. They do not allow themselves to be. They have unrealistic expectations and they have a lot of fear of rejection.

So work towards building a healthy self esteem and self confidence. That is the best gift that you can give yourself.

Say NO.... Gently but Frimly

One of the words which gets wiped out from our vocabulary is the two lettered one which would make our lives a lot easier. And the two-letter word happens to be 'NO'. The word denotes a negative response and it is not good to be associated with anything negative.... right?..... No, wrong..... absolutley wrong. This negative response sometimes can denote the kind of values that you suppport and your stand on a particular situation.

In today's competitive world where everyone wants 'success' .... 'success' as in a bigger house, a bigger car, a bigger bank balance ..... most choose the easy way out by being a 'Yes Man' to the big heads of the organisation. That is the only way that they know how to beat the competition and get ahead in life. They have somewhere lost their faith on good old hard work and dedication. Nothing is a problem and everything is acheivable for these yes men. But their in-ability to say a 'No' at the right places and to the right people has got too much of costs associated with it. Costs which are not immediately apparent but life does not spare the costs that that he has to bear. Unfortunately, some of the cost is also borne by others who are associated with him. Do you think that it is fair?

Every individual has a set of values and rules that he has inculcated from his family and his peers. A persons's character is built by these. It is good to stand up for your values and traditions even if it means dis-pleasing a powerful few or a few near and dear ones. At least you would not have compromised on your own self in order to reach where-ever it is that you want to reach. Say a No when you think that it is compromising on your ownself and your self worth. Is anything more worthy than your own self-worth? If the answer to the question is 'No' then you just need to be a little more confident and assertive in saying a No and making your opinion known to the other person. If the answer to the question is 'Yes'.... then my friend you need to start from building a healthy self worth through self analysis before proceeding further.

There are many ways of saying a 'No'... depends from one person to another and situation to situation.

There are people who like to hear a straightforward 'No' and communicate a starightforward 'No' too.... but such people are very few and rare. Some can say it but cannot take it..... human nature after all. But my take is that if you can dish it out you should also know how to take it.

Then there are another set of people who have BIG egos and cannot take a no. One of the best ways to saying a 'No' to them is by using positive sentences only. Do not say a 'No' directly to them. I other words I am saying is that make good use of all the wide variety of excuses that one tells their elders to get out of a sticky situation without saying a 'No' ;-). Better still if you have an alternative plan of action then it might be a good place to put it forward and gain some appreciation for yourself... hopefully.

Remember, the tone that one uses, the language used, the context that it is used in and the person at the receiving end of the decision actually determine the effect that your 'No' has. But would you rather say a 'No' or would you rather live a life where your opinion is of the least significance and cannot stand up for yourslef.... think about it.......

Lessons Life Teaches - II

All of us have been customers for a variety of organisations for a variety of household and electronic goods. Randomly, if a poll is taken then most of the people will express their dis-satisfaction on the quality of services being met out to them. The reasons can be genuine or otherwise.

I would like to share a couple of incidents that taught be some valuable lessons in customer satisfaction and customer loyalty. Again some examples of lessons that life teaches for one to perform better in our own professional life.

In the recent past, I received a call from a major insurance company. The insurance company had outsourced their tele-calling services to tap potential customers. I received the call from one such tele-caller. After the general round of introductions, I was detailed about a new policy that the company had launched. Then the usual round of questions started... What is my age? Hearing my age, he started addressing me as Mrs. Deepa. I ignored it and continued answering the questions....... Am I working? Where am I working? What is my monthly income? Am I married? ..... Now the last question was a little meaningless since he had already decided that I was married and was addressing me as Mrs. But my answer surprised him. I told him I was un-married. His shock at the fact was evident from his tone and the fact that he double-checked my age too. To make things even worse, he asked me who the decision maker in my family was? I was surprised at the question but I avoided it. But his insistence proved inflamatory to me as a potential customer. Looking at the fact that I was avoiding him, he made the last mistake.... he kept down the phone on me. And they lost a couple of potential customers forever........ and i hope they would loose a couple of more customers..... those who are reading this blog or those to whom I have narrated the story.

In a few words..... the quality of the phone call was dismal and un-professional to the extreme.

Lessons learnt:

1) Choose people who interact with customers carefully.
2) Train customer facing people with the utmost care.
3) Cultural sensitization has its own advantages. It should be practiced.
4) Be polite... be polite.... be polite.
5) Know how to end a conversation.
6) Do not, in any way, insult the customer.

Having been a part of the service industry for a very long time now I have had the opportunity to attend some soft skill workshops to handle our customers .... like Dealing with Difficult People. In this case, I was the one practicing my skills of 'Dealing with Difficult People' instead of the other way round..... ;-P.

Another incident that taught me a few valuable lessons happened with my sister. For making a trip to Delhi from Bangalore, she had made use of the e-booking facilities of a well known and well advertised travel house to book return flight tickets to Bangalore. Since she got the similar job opportunity in Delhi itself, she called up the travel house to cancel her return tickets to Bangalore. She was not given a transaction-id number since the computer systems there were not working properly. The next day she called up the travel house again and confirmed whether her tickets had been cancelled. This time round she was given a transaction id and assured that her tickets had been cancelled. Next month, she was surprised to find out that she had been billed the entire ticket amount since she had not cancelled the ticket. She kept on following up with the travel house for a month. Every time she spoke to a new executive and had to repeat her concern again and again and again. But without any solution. Inspite of repeated requests, she was not put through to the manager. Her mails to the manager too went un-answered. Finally, she landed up paying for the tickets that she had taken care to cancel and be penalised for not having any more reasons to go back to Bangalore.

In a few words..... the quality of the service was dismal and un-professional to the extreme.

Lessons Learnt:

1) Maintain records of customer interaction
2) Ensure that you give an empathetic reply to a concerned customer
3) Ensure that the customer is not the one to pay for the mistakes that the customer had not made.... financially or otherwise
4) Be open and tell the truth to the customer. That would save the customer a lot of hassles.
5) Follow-up with the customer in case the query remains un-resolved instead of the other way round
6) Stick to the deadlines / committments that you have made to the customer.

In short.... Life is a good teacher. You should know how to learn from it.